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uting at me for disciplining her child, All I did was let him know his behavior was unacceptable. Was I supposed to sit back while her kid did whatever he wanted, hurting other children in the process?”
Getting your own children to play nice is difficult enough. Dealing with other people’s children has become a minefield.
In my house, jumping on the sofa is not allowed. In my sister’s house it’s encouraged. For her, it’s about kids being kids: “If you can’t do it at three, when can you do it?”
Each of these philosophies is valid and, it has to be said, my son loves visiting his aunt’s house. But I find myself saying “no” a lot when her kids are over at mine. That’s OK between sisters but becomes dangerous territory when you’re talking to the children of friends or acquaintances.
“Kids aren’t all raised the same,” agrees Professor Naomi White of Monash University.” But there is still an idea that they’re the property of the parent. We see our children as an extension of ourselves, so if you’re saying that my child is behaving inappropriately, then that’s somehow a criticism of me.”
In those circumstances, it’s difficult to know whether to approach the child directly or the parent first. There are two schools of thought.
“I’d go to the child first,” says Andrew Fuller, author of Tricky Kids. Usually a quiet reminder that ’we don’t do that here’ is enough. Kids nave finely tuned antennae (直觉) for how to behave in different settings.”
He points out bringing it up with the parent first may make them feel neglect